If you’re a people pleaser, you don’t know how to say no. This post is for you.I know a bunch of people who give in so easily that is almost pitiful. They can't stand the thought of disturbing someone with a different opinion, or putting they’re needs in to first place.
We find very often people pleasers in environments where their needs and feelings were pushed aside. Raised this way, people learn that the only way to receive a positive response is to do what others want to do.
You need to make this question to yourself, "do people around me really worth staying in my life if they're not disposed to accept that I have my own needs?"
Your biggest fear might be that no one will like you, someone will leave you, or you’ll be left all alone if you don't agree and please others.
Is that fear really meaningful? Try to remember situations were you did things you not truly wanted in order to please someone else. For each of those occasions, visualize a different ending, considering you pleased yourself. What could be the worst that could have happen? Would it be a big issue?
What you should be really afraid is to turn in a person who is easily persuaded, influenced, or even worst, manipulated and abused. If you focus on pleasing others, you may end up doing only what others want, every time.
That doesn’t seem a good way of living. Don’t you feel you deserve also to fulfil some of your wishes or desires? Are other’s desires more important than yours? Is really your self-consideration or self-esteem that low?
Altruistic actions are welcome, but not mandatory. Acts of kindness are those done by choice, not out of fear or guilt. Do it only if you feel good in doing it, not because you feel impelled to do it.
Don’t measure the GOOD you do on how much you do for others.
Next step will be…how to say, NO!
Try not to make up excuses! Tell your reasons and arguments in a way that others won’t be offended. Be polite, but firm in your convictions!
After seeing others reaction, avoid for those few seconds after, to smooth your reasons, or even worst, to change your mind.
Here is a trick, after saying something you thing that won’t please other person, make silence and mentally count till 5 before saying something else. I believe those 5 seconds of silence will transmit confidence in your decision.
You may experience some puppy face reaction, or even offended look, waiting for a sudden change in verdict, but that normally is only emotional blackmail in action (this happen a lot with girlfriends!).
You may start with smaller conflicts, so your colleagues, friends or family get used to, and then go to higher flights.
Before saying NO, try to rehearsal situations you usually go along, so that you can remember what to say in a convincing way when that situation emerge.
If everyone wants to go dinner to a particular restaurant, but you prefer a different one, why won’t you just say it?
That won’t be considered a demand; it’s only a preference, just one more suggestion to offer. If you feel that your opinion wasn’t well received, ask a friend in the group, “You also know that restaurant! Didn’t you like it last time we where there?” Try and get more people to support your suggestion.
Another important thing is that no one can read your mind. If you don’t speak up, no one will know of your thoughts! When asked for an opinion, take some reflection on your desires and share them with others.
Stay away of worries about what other people might think of things you do, but stay even farther than being a rebel or selfish person. Don’t go from one extreme to the opposite one.
Assertiveness is the answer!
Never apologize for what you are!
In conclusion, when you stop being people pleaser you’ll:
Win: - respect from others; - doing the things you like most.
Lose: - friends who don’t deserve your time (isn’t this a Win also?)
Make you decision… you win on both ways, right?
(Confession: I was a people pleaser until a few years ago, but now I’m not. My life has more meaning now ;-)
Feel free to add your comments or different opinions in my blog. I’ll appreciate them.
